TrivialMTB

Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Even A Blind Squirrel.

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This post is more of a ‘thinking out loud’ type thing. It’s not full of cited information. It’s not meant to insult anyone’s efforts at trying to make this world a better place, because that image of “a better place” looks different for everyone and the route to getting there is vastly different. This, like everything else posted on this blog, is just for fun. In this case, it’s a rambling thought that we hoped would make more sense once put to digital ink.

There sure is a lot of talk going around about how IMBA sucks for poo-pooing a bill that would allow mountain bikes into Wilderness areas. A lot of the commentary is along the lines of “IMBA sucks, they don’t speak for me, cancel your memberships” and so on and so forth.

This raises the question for me- who out there is still a member of IMBA to have a membership to cancel anyway? Is this really the event that lead you to the conclusion that the group does not necessarily represent your voice? If you’re reading this blog, shouldn’t you have realized that about a decade or two ago? I mean, better late than never, but damn.

If you read this blog, you probably enjoy smashing rock gardens, punching the guts out of a berm, and aren’t trying to spread the Gospel of Mountain Biking to get millions of assholes into the sport with a coupon for 15% off a used Gary Fisher hardtail with the purchase of a $25,000 Subaru and a sticker for your back window. No, you probably have a touch of that old west spirit in you that leans away from ‘cycling club’ and towards ‘bike cult ‘with initiation ceremonies that include ripping your shin open with the pins of a flat pedal, digging fun shit of dubious legality (is this ditch in the back of a cemetery cool with dirt jumps, does this rarely present land owner care if a trail cuts through a mine plot, do local authorities care more about the rampant heroin and meth problem in town than your shuttle trail dumping out into a construction company’s back lot?), and getting a bunch of concussions. And big surprise- that’s not what IMBA is about.

That old west spirit of “who are you to show up and ride our jumps without digging?” is rooted in some sense of preservation of nice things. Loose lips sink jump spots, blow up shuttle trails, and generally shut down the good times. You don’t spend all that time scouting spots, moving dirt, practicing your craft of shredding, and risking health and legal repercussions without trying to protect it. There is a barrier of entry to the cult. You get to prove you’re worthy by making some sacrifices. More on this in a moment.

So here’s another question- a legitimate one because I really don’t know- was that bill being proposed really the best thing for our collectively owned and preserved Wilderness lands? Those places are special and while it’s a total load of semantic crap that bikes are not allowed in them due to the interpretation of an old but crucially important law, was this new bill proposed a good thing for those spaces? Did it let in mountain bikers at the cost of letting in RVs and toilets and pizza boxes and the American Fat Fuck that would tarnish the Wild part of the Wilderness? Due to the inherently complicated nature of bloated bills put up for law, I doubt that it just said, “Hey, let’s let some bikes in already, eh guys?”

The final question I have is this- do you really need to ride your bike in Wilderness areas? A hundred skid happy bike riders cause about .000001% the erosion of even a mild winter, so I think the wear and tear on the land is possibly minimal, but they also bring another person into a space where we, as a species, haven’t screwed everything up so badly yet, with that much more invitation for trash (even if accidental), or any other impact.

There are so many Wilderness spots that I would personally LOVE to ride a bike, because hiking sucks and is boring. And I would love for you to go responsibly ride your bike in those areas too. But maybe you don’t need to. Maybe the barrier of entry to the cult of Wilderness is that you leave your bike out of it and frankly, leave yourself out of it to the maximum possible extent. Maybe you can suck it up and lace up your cranky little boots and walk your ass in and out of those places if you want to enjoy the views. Maybe there can be a class of spaces that we all agree to not collectively fuck up- just leave alone for future generations and the other species that occupy those places to enjoy.

You know, all 2 or 3 generations we have left before the climate start to kick us foolish humans off this mortal coil.

I’m sure I would feel very different if my backyard were Wilderness and there was very little else to ride. But my immediate pleasure to ride a bike somewhere doesn’t outweigh the collective effort to leave some places alone. For once, I think IMBA was right, or at least has a valid point, even if it’s in the same way that a blind squirrel occasionally still finds nuts.

So yes, IMBA sucks as a general rule. And yes, they probably don’t speak for you. But this time, I have to ask if there was a better way to get bikes into Wilderness than this bill I frankly know nothing about. Probably so.

Commence hate storm in comments.

Necessity.

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Crowdfunding on the internet has given an audience to whatever solution you have come up with for the non-problems of the world in a way never seen before in human history.

Unfortunately, most of those ideas and their execution are barely discernible from those infomercial clips of people being ham fisted morons.

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But at least those clips are produced tongue in cheek knowing full well they are ridiculous to serve the point of the sale. The same can’t be said for all those kickstarter Thomas Edisons that think this idea of theirs is the ticket to some of that sweet, sweet money.

Not every kickstarter is successful. Not everyone has the stroke of genius combined with work ethic to follow through on the concept of taking the zipper off a sleeping bag and growing that into a full on blanket empire.

 

Do people commuting on step-through framed bikes really work up a thorough sweat wearing rain jackets going 8mph – er, sorry, 13kph?

My first question for this invention is that rain happens in storms and sometimes storms happen with wind and sometimes you ride a bike with that wind to your tail. So what happens when this giant sail of an umbrella catches a gust up its ass and inverts like every umbrella in history is want to? Guess you’ll just have to find out when you can’t see a god damn thing.

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Really took that mellow commute up a notch!

But these folks can’t be completely ignorant. They clearly made a conscious choice to score the second half of the kickstarter video with Smetana’s “Moldau,” a piece of music inspired by and sonically illustrating the flow of rivers through the composer’s homeland.

And what are rivers made of? Water.

And water is? Wet.

And umbrellas fight? Wetness.

And ain’t no one’s choochanita getting wet when they see you riding an umbrella’ed bike like that.

So even if the invention isn’t a perfect solution (or even a solution at all for that matter), at least they stuck to a theme for the project which is more than we can say for most mountain bike web videos.

 

 

Alone Together.

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This e-bike promo video that was supposed to tell you how you can participate in an outdoor activity together with your much more/less active parter thanks to an e-bike came across much more as a “look at how we can be alone but together!” type thing.

If you’re the girlfriend you can go for a leisurely bike ride while your impossible to beat world champion boyfriend goes off on a completely different trail from the service road you’re on. Great. See you at the picnic table at the top with a dead battery.

 

This just goes to show that if you have the god-like ability to make a moto trials bike do anything you damn well please, you can also sort of throw around a heavy and comparatively  vastly underpowered e-bike in a borderline unimpressive manner.

It’s also a ding to see the stilted conversation at the beginning shot from their backside. So what if there is nothing inherently interesting about a euro-breakfast of coffee and two pieces of dry toast, shoot them from their front so they don’t have to awkwardly open up to the camera so damn far they end up in total profile. This in the first 15 seconds was a signal of the level of (or rather lack thereof) thought put into the whole package. And probably a part of why this feels like a cash grabby effort to latch onto that euro e-bike market teat.

On the scale of authenticity, this isn’t as bad as say, Harley Davidson (the least authentic brand in the history of the world?), but it definitely misses the mark of Giving A Shit.

ESL.

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This is almost painful to watch:

 

If you want more poetry from the gods, check out the writer’s other work:

 

 

All The Way To The Bank.

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Insightful.

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The people in charge of the copy writing for the graphics slides on the Rampage broadcast hold creative writing degrees from Cheeseburger University.

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Maybe add “Try not to fuckin’ die” to that list of gold.

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I know this is old news to be bagging on the Red Bull broadcast of Rampage. And I know it’s better than not having the webcast at all. But it took someone some kind of effort to make the graphics overlays for the webcast. It would have taken 0.7% more effort to make them 1000% less shitty. Alternatively, could have just saved the effort completely and not bothered.

Sometimes the only way out of the crevasse is down. Embrace the futility of trying to write something profound about a sports event of this nature and just go with the sarcasm route.

“What Andreu needs to do to win again: Not sleep with the judges’ significant others, Do stuff that’s more bigger than everyone else done did, Be willing to die for your entertainment- ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!”

Considering they missed switching to the right camera for about half the action for the first runs, maybe they could have cut their tech director’s rate by a few hundred bucks and used that to pay an actual writer. Surely there are mountain bikers out there with english degrees that would have been pumped to contribute something better than what the Poet Laureate Of Beverages spewed out for the event.

Always Was.

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Horse:

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Pony:

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Some people were just born to be badass shredders.

“What Hump?”

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Not that it matters much what an e-bike looks like, but this is pretty terrible:

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The rider who would best match this broken protractor of a frame design:

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There is a place for e-bikes in the world, we’re sure of it. So far, the daily commuter that wants to haul ass going 30mph to work without sweating through their business casual gets a pass, if only because their office job is probably soul crushingly sad, and riding any kind of bike is better than a single occupant car. The people hauling a bunch of tools deep into the woods to work on bike trails for the rest of us to enjoy get a pass. And even the media goons trying to zip between stages to get set up for EWS coverage while carrying 15 kilos of camera gear get a pass- from us, if not their contractual frame sponsors.

Everyone else… you’re on thin ice.

I don’t want to sound like too much of a lousy old crotch that’s opposed to any technological advancement of the bicycle. The world has enough of those boogers. Not everything was better back when everyone was crashing their penny farthings into horses on the crowded streets of Dickensian London.

Someday e-bikes will be neat. But that time isn’t quite here yet. Remember the first asshole you knew with an Apple watch? And he was all, “It tells you what time it is and also if you bring it up real close to your face, you can see what the weather is like outside!” The technology is just a tool, and unfortunately the loudest early adopters of stuff tend to be tools themselves. Someday when a watch can monitor your blood sugar, warn you when you’re about to have a seizure, and notify emergency responders it will be cool enough to make you mostly forget the dildos that used it early on to read tweets during board meetings. And someday e-bikes won’t look like bloated Cronenberg mutants, and their use won’t be dominated by the current kind of generally detestable pricks that have the expendable income to buy them.

Someday.

Can’t and Won’t.

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Cat’s out of the bag that this blog is “active” again.

But much much much more importantly, Team Robot is active. Look, we can’t compete with them.

Team Robot:

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Trivial:

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We won’t even try to keep up. We are the rushed over the pants hand job to their passionate kama sutra exploration with your soulmate.

Anyways, more posts eventually.

Shhh… Michael Shannon

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Nice work on the newest Yeti video starring Michael Shannon Dick Rude.

 

Fun concept and well executed.

We feel bad for Richie’s bikes though, sweet jesus.