Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: October, 2013

Unlucky Charms.


I don’t think that there has ever been a racer who’s  whose talent and gigantic balls have been so poorly reflected in the results sheets than Ben Reid. Seriously, I ran through my racer history rolodex and couldn’t think of anyone though admittedly, I have forgotten plenty. At first I though maybe John Kirkaldie because he rarely won races? But he still climbed up the peak of the box a few times and he won those Norba overalls back when that was hard to do. Plus he won every god damn practice from the first run down the track for all time so he’s won plenty. But Ben Reid is always in the main event and doesn’t ever seem to get up in the top of the mix which is pure and utter bullshit because section for section, he’s probably top ten pace. The only plausible explanation is that he just has a no-leaf’ed clover up his ass and is the most unlucky Irishman to ever throw a leg over the bike while paradoxically also being one of the most talented rippers in racing history. And a darn gentleman to boot who will offer you a dry spot to sit and a cup of tea if he has any to share.

We must have re-watched the clip at 2:50 a dozen times and it still makes me giddy as a stupid school girl.

Every time I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching Ben Reid ride in person, I can’t understand how he’s not crushing every world cup podium.

Crickets Out There.



So there’s not going to be any more United States Grand Prix Tour of Professional National Mountain Gravity Bike Racing Series Tour? Man, what the fuck are people supposed to race now? I guess all those same events probably, only without the loose connection of a title stuck to them and criss-crossing this giant continent several times a year.

Ugh. There’s nothing fun in that.

I guess there isn’t much fun in racing enduro either, but at least with those USGPTPRONMBST, there were some okay downhill tracks that you could really hurt yourself on in exchange for the glory of being the top dipshit racing other dipshits who also couldn’t afford to buy their UCI points and attend a world cup.


Flat Rand.



Sean Watson has more fun on flat ground than you do anywhere.

It might be time to rethink the point of everything.

Mountain Bike Companies.


The Industry:


“Ewwww… what is this, a 26″ wheel?! Yuck. Get it away from me!”

The Corduroy Basement.



I’d be surprised if anyone understands:


BDB, Nope.



I was going to suck it up and do a Bar Drag Bounty video because I really want to ebay that Giant frame, but then I saw this photo and decided that I should just give up and run out the rest of this short time I have on earth living in a dumpster. 


Rampage Gnar.


We all know that GoPros tend to flatten out even the steepest trails and generally make anything good look as exciting as a pie baking contest.

But this run down the Rampage hill by Kelly McGarry made my balls retract for shelter for the entire run.

I would piss out of my ass in fear just trying the top 100 feet of the course.



Here’s some more proof that you can use whatever camera you want so long as the idea and content are interesting. Just so happens that it’s another bmx video and it was shot with a shitty windows phone.

If you’re going to make a bunch of off-season street videos on your mountain bikes, at least go hunt for some spots instead of shooting indoor/neighborhood parks.

Trash Ramps.


I would follow the FMB tour and care about it if just one event was built out of god damn garbage like this fantastic bmx gathering.

That last 360 is hot enough shit to raise the dead.

No Thanks.



Not even sure where to begin on this piece of shit. 

First off, I know nothing about this company or what they do or who made the video and I’m not interested in showing enough respect to them to learn anything about it all so here’s some wild speculation. The company makes… I don’t know t-shirts or something with crappy graphics cheaply screen printed on them? I have no interest in that and neither does anyone else. That company knows a guy who owns a “video production company” and that bro got contracted to make a video. His compensation was probably that he would have a killer opportunity to shoot something that he could use for his reel and a bunch of product. Also, they had a “model” lined up that was going to get a lot of attention. And this is a reach but I suspect she’s the girlfriend of whatever caveman is in charge of the maybe-t-shirt company? Again, I don’t know. 

So anyways, to the positive end of things, she obviously can ride a bike better than 95% of the dudes who are drooling (with their penises) all over their keyboards watching this and commenting with rave approval on the interwebs. Good for her. She is also obviously well endowed in the chestal region. She’s also a person and probably a very nice person who has a wide range of interests and a reasonably well developed adult personality, but we would never know that from the limited scope of the video. I guess that doesn’t sell shirts? 

And back from the positive intermission to the negative main feature. It seems that the number one rule in women’s mountain bike riding is “don’t crash on your tits.” Sure there are other things but really, that’s like top billing. And likewise for guys, rules one through three are don’t crash on your weird balls and your sweaty, chamois pickled dick. You never see a dude out there with half his bean bag catching the breeze because obviously no one wants to see that shit but also, no guy would ever be like, “Yeah, I’ll compromise my safety to sell some dumb shirts for this terrible video. If I’m going to compromise my safety, I’ll go try to qualify for Rampage or win a race or whatever.” Had the video been a handful of shots of her above average riding in normal coverage mixed with doing other things like hanging out with friends, eating a meal, and running errands with her ample knockers on display my reaction to the video would have been a lot less blasé. 

The real boobs here are the ones who thought this video was a great idea.