TrivialMTB

Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: July, 2014

Thar She Blows.

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Here we go. A 29er specific saddle.

fizik-thar-she-blowsFrom the great minds at Fizik comes a saddle specifically designed for a 29er. According to their extensive research, 29ers sit farther back on their saddles. This extensive research couldn’t be turned up by our equally extensive searching. Guess it included such tactics as looking across the cubical and saying, “Hey, Bill. You ride a 29er right? Do you ride up on the nose if your saddle? No? Alright.” And then marking a notch in the “rides farther back” column.

Their extensive research did stumble ass backwards into proving with solid math what we have known empirically all along- 29ers typically are indeed off the back. Which is to say, off the back of the pack. Which is to say most 29er riders suck at riding bikes and are slow.

No one rides on the nose of their saddle all the time because it’s a stupid idea. You don’t need to be on any particular wheel size to know this. You just need a taint and to sit it on the nose of any saddle for three gooch numbing minutes.

What the press release for this saddle should have read was “Fizik releases yet another dumbass saddle that you won’t buy.”

Because seriously, have you ever seen anyone riding a fizik saddle? Maybe you saw one that was oem spec’ed on a bike one time like 8 years ago, but have you ever seen anyone out on the trails riding a fizik saddle? I sure haven’t.

In related news, here are some free, up-for-grabs product ideas that any other marginalized company is welcome to take and run with for the sake of giving their marketing employee something to do. Included is the extensively researched justification for each idea’s existence to get the ball rolling.

-650b specific grips. Studies show that 650b riders will grab onto anything marketed at them.

-24″ bmx crusier specific headsets. Research indicates that old farts may have expendable income for their toys.

-26″ specific tire levers. Experts recommend that you use the proper tools of the trade for archeological digs so as not to damage the 26″ artifacts known to have existed in the mountain bike world as far back as last year.

-27.5 optimized hydration packs. Doctors have observed that people who say “27.5” over “650b” sip their water with their nose turned slightly upward and a new nozzle design will help prevent accidental nasal flushing.

-700c specific chewing tobacco. Recently compiled studies show that spitting while riding a road bike is fucking disgusting and risky for anyone not in the front of a charge. Spray proof chew-spit could vastly improve morale of the peloton and make the fight for 38th place more spectator friendly.

-Women’s specific racing tampons. Common sense reveals that only menstruating women need these, so maybe you save some marketing budget by cutting the ads targeting these at guys, who knows.

 

 

 

 

Watching EWS Coverage…

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And here’s the slogan for the trails on that mountain:

Winter Park- All that ass and don’t know how to shake it. 

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Included below is a Trivial MTB exclusive interview with everyone at the race:

dumblefuckthis

 

The air might be thin up at that altitude, but the atmosphere is thick with bummer.

 

Selling A Bike.

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I’ve owned more bikes in my life than I can remember. Literally. That’s not just a saying. I really don’t remember all the bikes I’ve had. I tried to put together a list after I saw that thread on Vital and it couldn’t be done. A lot of those bikes were terrible and a lot of them have served dutifully. I only really miss a handful of them.

Sometimes you sell a bike and it’s been such a headache and a pile of garbage that you are just thrilled to see it go. You find the right sucker and then take a fat, steamy  crap on their face by selling them a curse that would have been a rip off at any price. The kind of peckers that buy these bikes are usually the flash in the pan riders who won’t be around next year and are looking for what’s trendy now. There’s no shame felt in ripping these chumps off.

Sometimes you sell one and it’s a great bike, and you are hooking up a friend or mutual acquaintance with a good ride at a reasonable price. They know you took relatively good care of it and they get to ditch their clapper for something better. This has been the vast majority of my personal bike sales experience. Everyone’s back gets scratched and the economy churns away.

But then sometimes you sell a bike and you watch it rolling away in the back of some stranger’s pick up or on some unknown roof rack and your stupid guts get all full of feelings. What is this sentiment? Bikes are tools, what do I care about them? I’ve got a newer and better one a few feet away! Why am I feeling wistful about a bike that I have ridden hard, put away dirty, smashed into piles of rocks, thrown into the dirt, crushed into case points, ridden through the grinding mud, and treated (respectfully) as hard as I possibly could?

Maybe it’s because sometimes you end up on a rare bike that rose above your expectations, served its purpose perfectly, and took you places you would have otherwise never known existed. Maybe it’s been your constant companion for thousands of miles of adventure, outlasting a rotating cast of components and trends. Maybe it’s been there waiting for you to recover from injuries, and times when you were too busy with work or other life junk to sneak in a ride. Maybe it’s been there for the daylight savings time switches, and the change of the seasons from snow melt, sunbaked heat, falling leaves, unpredictable ice, and back to snowmelt- several times. Maybe it’s the one bike that you had no obligations to sponsorships to replace. Maybe it’s the bike that has outlasted most of your relationships in life, professional, friendly, and romantic. Maybe it’s been the one thing you had to look forward to at times.

Mostly a bike is just a bike. It’s a medium for fitness. It’s a tool for some professionals. And if you swapped out this bike for that bike or this model year for that one, the only real change in your story would be the colors and bold new graphics. But sometimes it’s more  than just a bike, and you’re sad to see it go. But you know what? That bike did a lot for you. And now it has a chance to do a lot for someone else. It has a second life that starts when some weirdo from craigslist shows up and whisks your old bike off to become their new bike.

Capable bikes are everywhere these days. Good bikes are still uncommon. But a Great Bike doesn’t come along often so if you have one of those in your collection, enjoy it.

The Onion Nails It.

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This piece from the Onion is so dialed.

Right on target with the whole point of riding bikes being to go find some bugs and check out who’s sister is wearing their swimsuit in the yard… You can talk about wanting to be the best and be the fastest and throw the gnarliest whips and train for enduro and carbon this and carbon that, but at the end of that rainbow of hot air, the reason you ride your bike is to go find some new spot down by the creek with a weird frog and throw some rocks or sticks at something and feel free again, if only for a few serene moments.

Whether you are racing the Tour, or smashing your way down a world champs run, or hating every second of a lousy local enduro race, the reason you keep getting on your bike is to have that moment where you saw a new thing in the world and it made you feel tiny but integral at the same time.

Having a new bike with all the bells and whistles is pretty cool, but you didn’t have one back when you first started riding. You probably had a pile of shit with maybe some front suspension and maybe some v-brakes. And you loved it enough to keep you riding since then. So the next time you start sweating it that your dropper post took a dump on your chest, that you can’t really justify the cost of carbon rims, that your tires don’t have the perfect sipes for the trail conditions that day, or whatever other non-sense that you think is ruining your life, go for a ride anyway and find some cool stick-bugs down by the creek and don’t care too much when you skin your knee.

Bike Commuting.

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What starts out as a hippie-dippy-doo type article about how you shouldn’t generalize a whole group based on a few experiences, ends up being a well thought article with some solid points to be made by the end.

https://medium.com/@CarlAlviani/why-bikes-make-smart-people-say-dumb-things-9316abbd5735

Mainly that your idea of behavior that is acceptable in a car world is not acceptable in a bike world only because you’ve been normalized to the car is something I think a lot of people miss. There are parts of my city where I just won’t drive if I can avoid it because of the outright chaos on the streets every time I’ve ever been there. Putting a person inside of a steel cage of a car grants them immunity to being considerate of other humans outside that box somehow. I feel my life threatened all the time in cars.

That being said, I usually feel my life threatened most times I ride a bike, mostly due to the imminent risk of falling off a cliff, scraping all my flesh off on sharp rocks, or rapid deceleration by immovable trees. So when I ride my bike to the grocery store, I’ve got half a lifetime of normalized perception that everything is trying to kill me on my bike and so traffic doesn’t seem so bad.

Most people don’t have this background experience so the thought of riding a bike to commute rightfully fills their pants with shit.

Point is, whether you like it or not, people are going to lump you into a much bigger group when they see you out in the world. So try not to be a dick about it. When it comes to what rules you should be following on your bike about stop signs or in a car passing some doofus roadie, just imagine if you saw someone else doing that thing and if you would think they were a turd for doing it… isn’t that the golden rule in life?

Hammy MacNahskill

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A sense of humor and excellent use of forced perspective make this video a real winner in my books.

 

 

Mistaken Invention.

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If you think Brendan Fairclough invented the whip then you would be mistaken…

bwhip

And if you thought motocross invented it then you would also be incorrect…

oldassmotowhip

 

It was goats.

Goats invented it and then used it in the middle of races during a pass long before your precious Barcia ever did.

goatscrubzzz

 

Clickbait.

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Dusting off the social media for the first time in a while resulted in a steady stream of targeted advertising, thinly disguised as slideshows, based on what my idiot “friends” click on all day in their cubicles. So it got me to thinking, maybe this blog would be a lot more popular if it featured quick and easily consumable articles that people will want to share all over the place. Lists seem to work so here’s some crap we might work on in the future when we really need those juicy ad dollars:

-22 reasons that enduro race sucked, spoiler alert- 18 of them were how much pedaling there was

-29 things only an upper-middle-class white guy will understand about putting his 29er on his audi’s roof rack

-7 mountain bike products guaranteed to change your life by killing you

-2 parking spaces taken up by Brian Lopes at any given trailhead or venue

-11 French racers who are not Fabien Barel giving the same interview in a video

-1001 songs used by the Parkin brothers that were better than the stock of shit they have to use on Red Bull’s label

-16 times you “almost died” on your race run

-5 racers seen in their race kits at the grocery store near the race venue

-99 problems Gee Atherton has with smiling on camera

-72 warranty calls made to Crank Brothers by 10am

-8 trends that you’re too old for

-4 reasons 4x is a freak show for eastern europeans

-36 times you should run over a hiker to get your KOM

-5 organs you don’t need and should sell to pay for a modern high end bike

-53 randomly selected people off the street taking more original photos than Fraser Britton

-9 racers screwed over by Yeti

 

CLICKBAIT.

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