Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: May, 2012

What Do You Do?

The first thing people ask you when they meet you is the junk like what’s your name?

The second thing in our workaday world is what do you do?

Well, bitches:

And then to make things worse, it’s a blog about mountain biking.

Cue the sad trombone sound bite.

Expectations Vs. Reality: When You Ride.


What you think it looks like when you’re riding your bike.




Doing It Right.


While most of the rest of mountain biking is trying their hardest to come up with three letter acronyms and new “standards”… these guys went out, made a simple and clean looking bike, and then marketed it with a video that is equal parts shredding and not-taking-things-too-god-damn-serious, with a dash of story.

That’s marketing done right: No Overdrive2 headtubes, no completely irrelevant lab results about miniscule amounts of increased stiffness, and no excessive slow-mo. Just a cute gal, some drifts, and a sense of humor is all it takes to sell some silly bicycles. Anyone who says otherwise is listening to the wrong marketing focus groups.


Things Cooler Than Mountain Biking.

Today, in Things Cooler Than Mountain Biking, this:

You’ve never had this much water chasing your ass on a mountain bike unless you’ve been caught pre-riding the Sea Otter DH track.

Many Speeds.

Hey, remember when Shimano had an 8 speed set up that worked so damn well? It worked in the dust, it worked in the mud, the chains rarely (if ever) broke, and the most expensive cassette was the all ti XTR deal that was like $180.

That wasn’t good enough for the world so SRAM and Shimano came out with 9 speed. And for a time, it sucked. The chains snapped, the cassettes broke, the whole thing shifted like dog shit in a blender if your barrel adjuster was more than a gnat’s ass-hair off of adjustment… but then between SRAM and Shimano, they sort of got things figured out.

But that still wasn’t enough for the speed greedy public that didn’t even know they needed something more until the big two came along and whispered sweet nothings in the consumer ear, promises of a future delivered today, in which you could have ten speeds.

So, great.

We’ve got ten speeds now crammed into the same space that eight used to occupy, the chains are more expensive despite no real increase in manufacturing costs, the cassettes cost $400+, and SRAM can’t seem to make a derailleur all of the sudden that doesn’t saw your shifter cable in half at the final bend and leave you with one particularly useless speed for the remainder of your now shitty ride. At least Shimano figured out (and SRAM “flattered”) how to make the derailleur make less noise than a squawking bunch of teenage girls at the mall and all they had to do was implant one of those huge gimmicky springs that used to bolt on the back of your existing derailleur from the mid-1990s. I don’t even remember what those things are called anymore but I’m sure Price Point still has a box of them for sale.

Oh but what’s that you say? There’s room in there for one more? I’m pretty sure this is how that fat guy exploded in the Monty Python movie.

Deal with this consuming public: XX1…




Eleven speeds. Good grief. I can’t wait to see how this performs with a few molecules of mud on it or how anyone will be able to even ride a bike after giving up an arm and a leg to pay for the system.I know this is just a prototype but, are we already going to give up on making ten speeds work properly? It was my impression that mountain biking would tend to only introduce a new and improved “standard” after the previous one finally (sort of) works.

At least they are bringing back the Avid Rollamajig. That should fix at least most of the whole “instant single speed conversion” stuff that SRAM has been having such a hard time getting people to buy.

Your Team.

Your team:


Not Your Team:

You’re Still Here?


Yeah, so the FroRiders were important to the development of more aggressive mountain biking styles back in 1997 and that’s cool. But last time I checked, which was today, that was 15 years ago.

Like a sadly sober Lou Reed, making god-knows-what-the-fuck kind of shameful “music” with an equally has-been’ed Metallica, Richie Schley can be seen in this video, hyping up an ugly helmet from a company that I’m not even sure exists in North America with his classic “style” of turn-bar lean-bike Schleyble-top airs, that even by Richie Schley standards are kind of lazy in this video.

Combine that with the minimal effort of shooting at that same tired ass Laguna trail and you might have a project whose efforts make a sober Lou Reed look like a heroin soaked mess, and enter the realm of former New York Dolls ripper David Johansen stooping to Buster Poindexter lows to cash in on a few sad dollars.

Ugh. There’s something to be said for bowing out gracefully.

So Epic, Bro.

I’m pretty sure this was edited by Clay Porter:

Only thing that makes me doubt that is the lack of slow-mo content.

Cheese and Wine

There’s a certain photographer on the world cup scene that may be (at least) bi-polar and possibly needs medical attention. I’d like to keep his identity private so I’ll refer to him as F Briton. No wait, that’s too obvious. Fraser B. We’ll call him that.

Anyway, he may have split personalities based on his status updates.

It’s either something like this post which shows he is totally unappreciative of his chosen lifestyle while sneaking in the tacit reminder that his life is still better than yours: “Packing for 3 weeks in Europe, where it’s apparently snowing. Awesome. #notimpressedwithmothernature”

Or it’s a post that is supposed to make him look more baller than he really is: “Drowning in a pile of receipts. If you don’t hear from me by 12:01 tonight, send help.”

Couldn’t just be pumped on three weeks in Europe? Couldn’t just be happy that your “office” is a place where it might be snowing because it’s up in some epic mountains? Couldn’t just say you’re having a busy day of work just like everyone else in the world that has a job?

If you need help, they have drugs that can treat disorders like schizophrenia, they have therapy that can help ease a super-inflated ego, and they even have height enhancement surgeries to help with your dwarfism. Seek help Fraser B, it’s out there!

Oh and hashtags don’t do anything on facebook.


Oh, good lord.

Why bother?