Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: December, 2014

Winter Sports.



No posts lately because everyone is busy going home for the holidays and listening to their grandparents’ casual racism and trying to not pick fights with parents and siblings about health care, gun control, and economic policy. Oh, what a joyous season this is for everyone! Also, winter weather is pretty much a rock in your shoe and very little bike riding can put any fan of the sport on edge.

Well, enter the solution to a lack of winter riding- the fat bike.

In case you wanted to ever be cold, feel slow, and crash for no good reason, fat bikes offer a keen solution to what ails ya. They essentially open up a whole world of reminiscing about Kranked 2 riding.

No, this post is not one in which we bag on fat bikes again. That topic already feels as tired as say, bagging on Brian Lopes for parking like a dick. This is a post in which we concede that if riding a fat bike is what gets you out in the winter, and allows you to have some fun, and smash out some turns, knife into a few crashes, and generally get your giggle on, then screw it; go ride a fat bike and be a little kid at heart again rather than the curmudgeonly Scrooge of a downhill snob.

Ride the fat bike out to a good battleground spot and chuck ice-ladden snowballs at your friends’ faces and crotches, laugh, and enjoy yourself. Don’t take things too seriously, and don’t make too many fat bike videos this winter unless they feature the original cast of some Kranked videos.

Happy holidays. Will resume overgeneralized blanket hating once the lessons of a Christmas Carol wear off.

Oh Deer!



People like to say “Oh, you’re crazy! I’d never ride a bike down a trail on a mountain… so many rocks and trees and dirt and oh, my!”

But then it’s difficult to explain that none of that stuff poses a serious threat to you when you’re riding mountain bikes because that stuff doesn’t move. Generally, you’re the only changing factor. So you don’t want to hit that tree? Don’t ride towards it. Traction isn’t letting you avoid it? At least you know what’s coming. Point is that I fear dogs, pedestrians, squirrels, other cyclists, cars, and stupid piece of shit deer on the road way more than I fear anything on the mountain when riding a bike. Here’s why:

Of course there’s fluke times like when you’re riding in the Serengeti and a gazelle tries to kill you. But most of the time, you don’t ever come close to deer, even when you’re out in the woods. Usually you are making a ton of noise and it scares them away. Even if you do nail one, you’re probably wearing gloves, a hydration pack, possibly knee pads… you’re certainly wearing more than a little jimmy-suit like when you ride road bikes.


Waiting For Downhill.



Here’s a little race coverage to hold you over until next year’s World Cup season starts up.

Sure, you can eagerly follow the aussie/kiwi races for a little while. It’s certainly a better option than ever watching north american enduro coverage. But that southern hemisphere coverage is probably not going to be enough to fill the time.

Better yet, you could pop in your Earthed 1-5 dvds and just watch that rad stuff for the seven hundredth time and ponder the mysteries of how those movies do not get old in a time when sitting through a 4 minute web video is a chore.


Effective Slow Motion.


When you cut way down on the slow-motion, for one thing, your videos get a lot shorter, which is great because sitting through long web content is rarely something anyone wants to make room for in their busy schedules. There’s a lot of other things to do with your time like check Facebook every six minutes, check instagram every time someone likes your photo, tweet about an itch you had, and blog about your coffee. Add to that the thirty emails you got at work by the time you got back from taking a shit, and actually doing like 45 seconds of real work at your job, and most of your day is gone.

Sitting through a bunch of extraneous slowmo in a bike video just isn’t one of the habits of highly effective people.

But when you do something like start your video off with a slowmo clip of some dude smearing his shoulder off like warm peanut butter on the pavement and then crank out the jams from there on out, you’re using it well.

FBM does a lot of shit right. Mtb folk could take more pages from their book.

In other “bmx is better” news, check out the irony of this dude about getting run over by an ambulance:

Akrigg Rules Again.



I have some questions regarding this video:

-How many flats does Akrigg get on that bike?

-Should enduro races have a CX-Bike class- it’s not like it would detract from the credibility of many enduro races anyhow?

-How are Akrigg’s brakes/shifters set up and would that shit work for normal humans or is it like a shred in the drops only type of set up?

-Does having gigantic, pulsating testes get in the way of bunnyhopping?

-How does Victor Lucas like his tea?

-When will we see more tobacco vignette filters in cycling videos?

-What happens to Akrigg’s old bikes? Like does he sell them and if so, who also likes to live dangerously and buys them? Or are they just ridden until they turn into dust and blow away in the breeze and the setting sun?

This was refreshing and while I still do not understand cyclocross, it’s good to know that people are having fun.

Dudes In North America



Notice how there was only like 4 riding clips from the EWS stop in Winter Park in this series that is otherwise heavy on the riding action? As if you needed more proof that the event was terrible and everyone hated it.

Let’s hope that the Crested Butte replacement for that event is a little better. Maybe it will get 6 clips in next year’s video.

This Could Give You A Stroke.



I’m sure this will make the rounds and I’m sure other mtb blogs will have far better replies, but here you go. Read at your own risk, as it nearly sent an armada of blood clots to my brain. Opinions are like assholes, in that some are horrific, gaping abscesses, the result of nearly a lifetime of diligently ignoring all common sense.

Worst bike review since anything run in Mountain Bike Action ever.

(or insert any mtb media outlet of your choosing in place of MBA, really)