What happened in journalistic writing for the internet? The same bullshit style of headlines are all over the place now and it’s creeping into bike media. I just saw something in the feed that said, “Insane Man Attempts 100 Foot World Record Backflip Jump And You Won’t Believe What Happens Next” … what kind of clickbait crap writing is that? It’s everywhere these days.
Let me guess, he backflips a hundred foot jump? Yeah, so just say that. That as a fact on its own is really cool, and I’d want to see more. You don’t have to lead me on with some coy trick that always ends up being a let down anyway.
Here’s some examples of sprucing up junk that I would not be surprised to see in the feed:
Headline- Yeti announces bike with tiny little shocks and what they have to say about it is downright shocking!
Click- “They said they aren’t shocks and you should stop calling them that already.”
Headline- Brian Lopes picks up new sponsor and this time it’s a big one!
Click- It’s some struggling second or third tier company, who gives a shit.
Headline- DVO has a new product and how they made it will blow your mind!
Click- They made it just like everyone else makes their suspension stuff, nothing is special.
Headline- Trek finds a way to optimize a critical flaw in bicycle design in a way you’ve never seen before!
Click- It’s a new “standard” and we’ve all seen it before a thousand times and it’s annoying and everyone hates it.
Headline- Stop the presses! SRAM announces new brakes that will make you forget all about Avid Elixirs!
Click- They are avid elixirs, basically.
Headline- What Shimano learned from bonsai trees to make XTR Di2 the best groupo ever.
Click- They just made it really expensive for what it is.
Headline- Fox’s new suspension products are going to change the way you see the world, but how!?
Click- The shocks go up and down like they did last year.
Headline- Are your elbows out far enough to look this stupid going slow around a corner?
Click- It’s an ad for that Lee guy.
Headline- I thought Specialized was crazy for putting this common household item in a wind tunnel but what happens next is amazing!
Click- They put a bike in a wind tunnel and it’s boring.
Headline- Something you use on every ride will make you shit your pants, find out what!
Click- It’s brake fluid. You shouldn’t drink brake fluid.
Headline- Fill out this quick survey to find out which wheel size you are!
Click- You’re a penny farthing’s little back wheel and you’re stupid.
Anyone ever notice the refreshing honesty in the Kenda pre-roll ad video that shows up on Vital all the time?
It both starts and wraps up with a flat change in 15 seconds, so in that sense, it’s pretty accurate to the experience of riding a Kenda tire.
The obvious joke here is that Crank Brothers could do a pre-roll ad of their own in this same style, in which a person sits for the whole 15 second ad on hold with the warranty department.
iXS could also do one with Richie Schley in black and white with weird music in the style of stereotypical German experimental cinema, in which he squeezes blood from a prop turnip onto a paycheck and then a monkey in the corner claps together tiny little cymbals.
Enve could also make one that’s just the start of Duck Tales where Scrooge McDuck dives into the pool of gold coins, hops out, wipes down with a towel made of hundred dollar bills, and then jumps onto an $11,000 bike and takes a duck-shit on a poor person.
Yeti could wrap it up with an ad where a guy drinks a tall glass of koolaid, and then gets on his bike with 6 shocks and promptly falls over dead at the Tribe Gathering.
The most important thing that I got from the new Demo video on Vital was not that Mitch is immensely entertaining to watch, or that Gwin is super human fast even in slow-mo, or that you can take a big killer mountain like angel fire and make snoozer trails somehow.
No, the most important thing to get from this video is that one of the mechanics is a member of the Clean Plate Club at the King’s Chef diner.
So many questions… do they still run it out of that purple castle? Is the bathroom still 5 square feet? Grump or Thing?
Yeah, yeah… the bike is cool or whatever. Let’s talk about piles of food.
It’s almost that time of year when Whip Off Worlds takes over your media feeds. Let’s not complain about a ton of photos on your screens of people getting sideways and radicle on bikes over big jumps. But maybe let’s complain about the sixty terabytes of GoPro on a stick data that the event will produce.
It’s right on the edge of getting “real” which means possibly closing off the immediate edge of the course to spectators, required media credentials/passes, billboards full of logos, and Red Bull bringing in some Condor-Cam crew to zip line the jumps with an overbuilt RED. All of this hopefully equates to more prize purse money for the guys out there shredding their faces off. All of this also equates to the avant-guard becoming the new status quo and that’s always bittersweet. It’s a natural cycle in art through (yeah, I said it. Whips are art. Bike riding can be artful.) The mainstream is one thing, the avant guard rebels against it, the avant guard becomes the mainstream, and a new movement rebels against that.
So what’s next for the freaks and weirdos after Whip Offs becomes a live-streamed event under cooperate control? Where will the weirdos move when their freak-pad turns into HOA controlled town houses?
Possible future side events to self-organize:
-Kickout Knockout. Get one of those carnival strongman games where you hit the pad with the big hammer and the weight flings up and dings the bell at the top if you’re strong enough… rig that up on the side of a straight section of boring trail and see who can get the weight up the highest by slapping the rig with a Candian Kickout. Video of the event must be set to one of three shitty songs that everyone was going to use anyway before publishing.
-King Of The Skids. There’s that section of trail off the top of Garbonzo down a ski run where you can easily go over 50mph and you hit a couple grated over water bars that truly test your faith in your bars/pedals/cranks not snapping like twigs… the bottom of that you throw down a chalk line and a big ass measuring tape and see who can skid the longest. Bonus award to the craziest asshole who goes the fastest down that ski run.
-Hardtail race down D1/Klunker Air DH. No one brings a hardtail to Whister really but a few locals probably have them for dirt jumps, so round up five of them and race them down D1. Fastest person to survive wins. Klunker Air DH is limited to mountain bikes older than 1995, beach cruisers, grocery getters, and apple krates. If it’s too scandalous to do full sized A-line stuff then it’s possible to just move it over to Crank It Up. No one is going to call you a wimp for trying to survive. Also, the event is closed off to Brian Lopes.
-Fun Enduro. Everyone just rides the Canadian Open track on their downhill bikes. Everyone wins because it’s secretly just a downhill race, but sponsors are going to kick in tons of shit because the event title says the E-word.
This is one of the best damn mountain bike videos you’ll see this year.
I don’t know how to embed a pinkbike video and I couldn’t track it down elsewhere so just go there and watch the thing. Then watch it again.
Then imagine how pants-full-of-shit the IMBA reaction to the video would be if they watched it at their next board meeting…
Actually, that already happened and we have acquired exclusive footage of IMBA’s reaction to all the fun having contained in this video by Jeff. See below:
Pedal balls. Splash through creeks. Blast jumps. Camp cook. Enjoy the view. Repeat. That’s the good life right there. Let’s just give Chris Akrigg a lifetime Shreddy award by default so he’s out of the runnings in an otherwise rigged contest, but then let’s just give this Herberston video the real trophy for the year because this was the jam.
Seriously. It’s like you go through these now cliche motions of, “Oh, truck camping, making some eggs and coffee, kind of daintily walking the bike across a stream, climbing shot… that’s all pleasant I guess… alright… BLAMO!!!! BLASTING INTO A HILLSIDE WALLRIDE NOT MEANT TO BE HIT LIKE THAT. EXPECTATIONS OUT THE WINDOW. YES. YES. YES.”
Yup. That’s refreshing.
This isn’t “enduro” or anything. This is just mountain biking.