TrivialMTB

Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: June, 2014

Enduro Event Coverage.

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When a cycling acquaintance says, “Hey, you should check out this coverage from our local enduro event!”

And I say, “Sure! I just need to do one thing real fast…”

nothanksidratherjumpoffacliff

 

I skimmed that half hour Dirt TV video of the France round of the EWS from last weekend because yeah, it looked fun and there was a lot of the courses pointed down… but I couldn’t stand the generic looped sounding background music fading up and down every 4 seconds for another broken English-as-second-or-third-language interview. I don’t expect bike riders in general to be eloquent (see Sam Blenkinsop talking about shitting his pants in any interview ever recorded during the Yeti years), and I really don’t expect anyone to say anything insightful about race strategy in a non-native language after their nervous system is completely taxed by a stage. Frankly it looked like a blast to ride, but I was bored watching it after it was no longer about Sven crashing while wearing a backpack full of more value in gear than I have equity in property.

And that’s like the pinnacle of enduro media right there!

When some bro-ha wants me to watch an amateur-hour video of some bush league event being held on previously existing trail with tons of ball-pedaling and lots of goobers wearing full faced helmets with sunglasses/camelbaks or half shell helmet with goggles, well… I’d rather just jump off a god damn cliff.

Don’t support these lousy events. Don’t watch their shit-ass videos and definitely don’t give them your dollars and attendance. Just because real downhill racing has been a less than ideal relationship the last several years in the states, it doesn’t mean that you should go out and bed up with the very next guy who whispers sweet promises in your ears about how they’re different, baby and they’ll never let you down. It’s the same shitty relationship all over again only with a smaller dick.

More Like Ass Knuckles.

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Did you know that Speedplay is still a company? They are.

Did you know that they make flat pedals and not just super light clip pedals that are really super light because the clip is on your shoe instead of on the pedal which was always a heck of a marketing stunt to claim your pedals are super light because you just switched where the cleat and the clip were located?

Did you know that their flat pedal is called the Brass Knuckle and there are four little holes in the platform on either end that look like little sets of brass knuckles because when I think pedals, I think dirty street fighting tools?

Did you know that their flat pedal with a ti axle and polished finish retails for $350?

polishedfullofshit

Did you know that a set of Burgtec Mk4s with ti axles is only 3oish grams heavier, doesn’t have a gimmicky cnc cutout that followed after the cutesy name of the model, and costs about $100 less?

Final question: does Speedplay understand that polished platform pedals are a bad idea because polished metal surfaces are really slippery when wet, which is kind of the time when flat pedals hold an advantage over clips in performance?

Bonus question: Does anyone buying $350 polished Speedplay flat pedals actually matter? No. They are irrelevant to the species and should be pushed off into the ocean on one of the three remaining icebergs.

The Silence Is Deafening.

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“Hello? Is this the room with the coverage of National Champs in Angelfire? Yeah, this must be the place.”

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If it weren’t for Jill’s instagram and that one dude reporting on Vital during his downtime between practices, I wouldn’t have even known the event was happening. Sad.

More Gooder.

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As I was watching this recently posted video of Cam Wood, I was thinking about how the whole experience would have greatly benefited from certain filmmaking elements including but not limited to:

-being shot in at least 4k resolution for web/dvd distribution

-300 fps slow mo

-30’+ jib shots

-dodecahedro-copter aerials

-Movi-cam/steadicam following shots

-more procedural shots of him getting dressed to go ride

-product/sponsor shots, how am I supposed to know what to buy after watching this?

-a “day in the life of” story line

-exotic or perhaps unexplored/unexploited third world country location complete with portraiture shots of locals, respectfully confused by the presence of the production

-voiceover explaining why he loves riding bikes

-some god damn Imagine Dragons song or whatever

As it turns out, you can just get a shitty old Sony VX, stuff it into a backpack wrapped in a t-shirt, and deal with SD tape media, and shoot clips at noon or dusk in the shitty light, and if your lens captures a dude shredding the piss out of things with a smile and a stoner’s giggle, the resulting video will kick major ass.

This doesn’t just apply to BMX. This can still work in mtn biking. I’m not saying all the Anthill and New World “progress” in film making is worthless, but just because some other boners with a budget raised the bar doesn’t mean you can’t have more fun than they did and limbo right under it while making something infinitely more enjoyable to watch in the process.

 

 

Gutted

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When the internet commentary machine is “gutted” for Rider This’s flat or Rider That’s crash at a race, all I can think of is the following:

 

This is not gutted:

DA60079

That’s you watching the live stream and being bummed out a little.

Gutted is when an invading beach landing isn’t going great in Saving Private Ryan and all your friends are dying:

ryan12

 

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Real Classy.

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When checking into where that big spike in traffic came from recently, the stats also revealed a surprising number of people looking for tawdry mountain biking tabloid exploits earlier today:

whatthehellguys

 

In conclusion, there are many lonely 14 year old boys out there trying to figure out how to use a search engine in between their Canadian kick out practice sessions. Tisk tisk.

 

 

Enduro The Suffering.

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“I should have signed up for a cross country race. There would have been less fucking pedaling.” -Everyone with half a brain who has ever entered a lame regional  enduro event.

Sorry, Enduro. You can be your own thing but you’re no replacement for downhill racing.

Nice try, you were close:

JKBitchyouwerenotcloseatall

Not.

Remember 4X?

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Turns out it’s been around for about a hundred years according to an excerpt from this manual:

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Professional 4x racers… a bunch of purse snatchers.