TrivialMTB

Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: May, 2013

Who’s Bigger Now, World?

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It’s entirely possible likely that Team Brobot already made this post and did a better job than Trivial, but then again, that’s why you come here, right? The re-heated, shitty leftovers from the much better blog on why mountain biking sucks.

Anyway.

Despite all the progress made by the sport in the last 15 years, it’s still widely perceived by the public as a bunch of spandex wearing dorks complaining in the woods.

large_spandex

Which it is. It very much is. But we wear baggy stuff over the tight stuff nowadays.

So you know what mountain biking needs is a tougher image. And what’s the toughest thing ever? Guns.

Mountain biking needs more gun iconography. Plain and simple. If we could just have a few more 9mm handguns masquerading as the letter R in logos that would help. And if we could have another few companies really embrace gun lingo and employ more crosshairs and shit like that, mountain biking would look a lot tougher.

roaded

 

Tracy Morgan’s character had a line in 30 Rock that explained basically,  “I think I speak for both of us when I say it’s because gun are metal penises.”

So here’s a million dollar idea up for grabs, anyone can take this and run all the way to the bank if they want. Start a bike company called “Metal Penis” and brand it with 4th grade dick-n-balls imagery, pump out some brightly anodized bars and “enduro” stems and skinny little soft dick pedals, sit back, and watch the profits roll in. People will buy it at first out of irony. But then it will become not only okay, but encouraged to run Metal Penis components. Cash out. Retire. Leave mountain biking and:

o-RALPH-POLNICKY-DILDO-facebook

 

By the way- I have no problem with any of the companies who put gun stuff in their branding. They probably own more guns than I do so I don’t want to piss them off. Their parts are very nice, I’m sure.

Your Team.

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Not Your Team:

not your team moto frame

 

youwish

 

notyourteamyeahgirl

 

doesnotcompute

 

Your Team:

3feetofairthattime

A 4 I 0 R.

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So that new video of the Fox Air 40, or A4i0r which rolls off the tongue, was an interesting watch. Not because it’s the best fork that’s ever been made for the next six months but because you can actually see the product working. For one, there’s definite proof that Gee’s fork moved so if any of you out there still think he’s running a dummy fork where the internals are just solid aluminum rods, fear not, he’s actually riding telescoping suspension.

But another thing I noticed is the obvious fact that Gwin runs more compression than a dozen normal human riders combined.

Here you can see him falling whatever, 12-15 feet worth of drop and moving his fork only about 5 inches into the stroke. Sure, he catches a downslope landing and all, so maybe it’s just a fluke?

GwinSmash

Nope.

Here we see him yanking on a jump and tomahawk chopping the earth a new ass crack and still leaving a couple inches of untouched travel:

GwinMaxed

It’s enough to push the sag-ring up on his fork suggesting that this was the most travel he used on the fork for at least this section of trail they were shooting.

GwinMaxedOut

Conclusion: Don’t tune your bike like Aaron Gwin.

Sell! Sell! Sell!

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Mr. T: when any sponsored pro talks about their bike in a video being the dopest ride.

the best bike ever

The little girl: me, covering my ears and having just about enough of that shit.

Friendly Reminder.

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Don’t forget to lean into your corners out there, folks.

yourteamcorneringgonewrong

 

Have a safe holiday weekend.

Google It.

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Let’s take a gander at what people are typing into google and somehow ending up on Trivial MTB.

thisisweird

Okay.

Brian Lopes bike check: Ibis loaded up with some mediocre parts from third tier companies doing their best to develop products that will maybe kick them up into lower second tier companies, check. Strava running on the bars, check. Shirt off, check. Sprinter parked over 4 parking spots, check. Spray paint tagged pet turtle, check. Same old tired ass jokes about Lopes, check.

Trivial MTB: makes sense.

Las Vegas sucks: fact.

Land of tits and ass: what???  This might be the best search engine term since “blackest dude ever” sent a visitor to this website. 

Oh and any chode can google it but they are mining tibanna gas.

UnStealthy.

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Just when you think that you’ve run dry on things upon which to cast your amateur criticisms, the universe opens up and gives you a gift in the form of a new electric-dh bike video.

If my dad ever pulled up to the dirt jumps like this while I was riding with friends, I’d promptly go home and swallow razor blades.

But that’s probably because I have a tumultuous relationship with my father and didn’t have the kind of friends that wouldn’t abandon me over something embarrassing when I was a kid. I am happy to see Renner’s home life is strong, unlike the appeal of riding this bike.

I must also point out the irony of riding a basically “silent” electric assist bike named Stealth while fully kitted up in moto/downhill gear. That’s sort of like having an F-117 painted with neon american flags, which is unsurprisingly difficult to find on google, so here’s a rough estimate for how bad that would look.

ThisIsSoDumb

Keep living the dream, Connie.

Nominee For Best Screenplay.

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Let me first start this out by saying that I’m a big fan of Curtis Keene. It’s a bummer that circumstances in the industry have pretty much forced him to step away from DH to continue having a career as a bike rider, but maybe he was tired of having to go bananas-warp speed at world cups anyway, I don’t know.

He’s a well spoken and smart fella, unlike some of the other fast guys out there who can’t give an interview without a thousand Yeah-Nos, Uhhhs, Likes, and talking about having to take a shit. And yet, this new Avid video was pushed out like a turd from Sam Blinkensop’s ass with seemingly the same old strategy of “just talk casual and we’ll get something we can edit with.”

Nope. It doesn’t work. Not any more- this is not 2009.

If you’re going through the trouble of shooting fancy pants HD speed ramped slow-mo, using a slider dolly, and showing us how coffee gets made, then write something for the spot. Don’t just chop up some rambling and expect that to sell brakes.

Hire a writer. Write a script. Have the talent read it a few times, get a good take, and use that.

—————–

The reality is that the video was perfectly fine. The criticism comes from the trend in mountain bike videos to be more and more “professional” these days even though they are just going to be buried several pages deep and lost forever to the abyss within a couple of days. “Professional” doesn’t mean shooting on a RED, or jillion frame per second slow mo, or giving your stuff a pass through color grading, or jibs and dollies and glidecams. The beef here is that if you’re going to do all the image creation so well, back it up with story.

All those Charge videos that Rankin does are pretty much all about things that don’t traditionally appeal to me at all. Stuff like riding a road bike for a long time, fixies, leather saddles, or cyclocross anything… and yet every one of those videos has me captivated from start to finish because they are telling a story and telling it well.

Weekly Rankin Boner.

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The last time a bikes and lasers teamed up was pretty cool:

pewpew

And Charge Bikes stepped it up from there.

Who cares if this video is older. It’s making bikes with lasers. NEAT.

3 Feet Of Air.

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When was the last time you jumped your bike over a hidden rebel moon base?

eee tee

Should probably get on that, huh?