TrivialMTB

Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: June, 2012

Why So Serious?


 

Yo dawg, I heard you like helicopter shots, so we put a helicopter higher in the sky so you could shoot your helicopter while you’re shooting from your other helicopter… that’s a good use of production budget.

 

And what’s the deal with this teaser shit? If the teaser gets a million views, then they will release a trailer? Cool, it’s up to 301 views as of when we just watched it. Fast track to success!

Who gives a shit? If you’re going to tease, then trail, then just have your movie ripped to the web an hour after it goes on sale, why not just put the whole stupid movie on the web when it’s good and ready to never make you any money? There better be a lot of epic build up dub-womp to Phantom Dick-Flex mega-slow-mo in this movie because that’s what mountain biking really needs to return to.

Update: Bret Trigg Visual Is A Tool.


If you ever make the unfortunate mistake of thinking that you’re good at riding a bike, then go ahead and knock yourself down more than a few pegs by watching this non-sense.

Yeah, so you were saying that you hit a rock garden really well recently or something?

Poor Taste.

Sometimes mountain biking is alright. But mostly it’s full of people who think this thing is cool:

Electric downhill bike with those gross pedals and fork and little wheels and a total Sandusky factor.

Going Pro.

If you want to make damn sure that a photo of you riding your bike never appears in a professional media outlet, just go ahead and attach a big, awkward looking plastic block to the side or top of your head. Few things are worse than seeing someone killing it on their bike and then they’ve got this vestigial appendage dangling off their dome. Disgusting. That would be like watching Greg Minnaar racing dual slalom at Sea Otter with a Camelbak on, which has never happened. Or like having to see Brian Lopes not wear a shirt because it’s over 50 degrees and their is still some ambient light left in the sky, which has also never happened.

And do you really need to go “pro” and do you really think that uploading a shitty helmet cam run from your Cat 1 practice run is going to facilitate your goal of going pro? The pro life really isn’t that glamorous. Higher entry fees, often no pro payout that would even cover your gas to get to a race, being expected to produce results… how about if you just stayed in the suck-class and had some fleeting moments of fun instead?

Worse are the “media” that use go-pros as anything more than C-cams. How many more 16 year olds are going to have to get run over because they stuck their go-pro-on-a-pvc-pole into the course trying to get the shot that will get them their big break? A big break which will probably just be undercutting someone else who does better work and needs the respectable paycheck to feed their family.

No one gives a shit about mountain biking anyways so you might as well try going pro at being stupid:

Go Pro ain’t no dummies. They would be glad to make a few more million dollars off you removing yourself from the gene pool.

Expectations Vs Reality.

What you think it looks like when you’re “shredding” so hard.

Expectations:

Reality:

Just Like Clubbing.

If you’re going to be a girl at a bike race, whether you’re there with friends or family, or you’re working for a mountain that’s hosting a bike race, then go ahead and prepare yourself for an excruciatingly long weekend full of this:

Because nothing helps a woman’s confidence quite like getting hit on a thousand times a day by dirty, ugly dudes in clown outfits in the woods.

Better Than MTB.

 

This is better than mountain biking:

 

By a lot.

Your Team.

 

Your Team:

 

Not Your Team:

BMX > MTB.

This “debate” has long ago been beaten to the pulpy remains of a dead horse so I’m not here today to stir up the fleshy remnants of the argument.

I’m here to show what it is that I share with folks when I’m tired of discussing the whole bmx vs mtb with someone:

 

 

 

The picture wins every. single. time.

Eff Right Off.

This bike is going to be $10,000. Ten Thousand Fucking Dollars.