Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: April, 2013

Weekly Rankin Boner.



I’m just going to put this out there that Chris Doney is probably a better bike rider than you. (And by transitive process, better than me since you’re a better rider than I am.)

We’ve mentioned him on here before when he popped up in that video with Akrigg and we’re pretty glad to see more of him.

Thanks Alex Rankin, you’re the best.




If you ever want to have a kid that is genetically doomed to never be able to fit their thunderous thighs into the skinny jeans of tomorrow-land, make sure that you craft that baby with another cyclist.



Their childhood will a string of misery and alienation as all the other youths go galavanting about the playground in their tiny, skinny jeans and your kid will sit there, friendless, in their relaxed fit jeans. Then one day, they will discover that their curse is a gift when they stomp down on a set of flat pedals and their bike bucks like a bronco backlit by the setting sun. Oh, and the joys will come flooding in to fill the voids carved by years of being an outcast. The child will work hard to become the best their thunder thighs can be, riding drills late into the summer evenings.

Eventually the child will take up racing, quickly realizing that cross country racing is pretty much for assholes, enduro racing is just what cross country should have been all along, gated racing is but an echo fading in the past, and choosing to race downhill. The child will struggle for years, advancing through the local and then national ranks.

But then something will happen. The child will travel abroad to race in the big leagues of the World Cup. And every skinny little French person, regardless of gender, will best their time down the mountain despite the gift of thunderous thighs, which have carried them all the way to this strange land of rain and generally shitty food. Why- they will ask. Why?

Because your parents were cyclists and had sex. But this alone is not enough. The child, now all grown up with innocence and dreams smashed, must figure out what to do with their life and their thunder thighs.

“Dude, I’m Having A BIG Year.”



This comment: ” I saw Fraser B today & it only took a minute of small talk before he told me how big time he is and how he is making tons of money this year….”

Yup. That seems about right. 




Total Napoleon complex with that one.  

On the plus side, now that he’s stepped down from his strenuous duties as Chief Money Pulling Baller with Pinkbike to focus his tired, redundant energies on his own crappy site, it has opened the doors of mediocrity for others to fill his petite void. And so we get off camera flash photos of this nature:



Digital cameras are so good these days that you can basically take your light meter and chuck it in the trash right along side all the other fundamentals of photography. 

Free Thinking.



Someone should tell this dude that such willy-nilly free thinking is what got the world into the banking crisis, and that he should just follow the rules of bike riding, such as no bar spins in trials riding. Also, who allowed this guy to blast your pants with the move at 2:20.

Too much freedom. How dare he.

Too Loud.



These toolboxes at Sea Otter…



I’m sure they are nice and all but




Snap-on red is really the only color a toolbox should be available in other than black or raw stainless.

Call me an old fashioned grump, but I want my toolbox to represent utility and nothing else. I don’t want to store my tools in something like looks like it’s trying to be a powerboat from that Hydro-Thunder video game. Or a male stripper’s thong- that’s a whole different kind of tool storage that doesn’t really help with bike work.

New-Old Topics.



Alllllllllright. That’s enough talk about wheel sizes for a while.



Let’s beat some other dead horsies for a while.

Quick referencing my rolodex of “topics to hate in mountain biking” yields sample subjects including the following:

  • -BMX is cooler in nearly every way.
  • -Brian Lopes and Getting Someone Else’s Strava Time Taken Down.
  • -Racing is expensive and you suck at it.
  • -Competing “standards”
  • -Lack of innovation, aka Bold New Graphics.
  • -Fraser Britton and other Try-Hards.
  • -Kids these days.

This sport makes you tired. And not from doing it and getting sweaty from exercise. Like tired from how it sucks and always has and always will, in cycles like the moon and menstruation.

Weekly Rankin Boners!




Activate Weekly Rankin Boner:


Building bikes is amazing. Every time I think about how it works that you can take a pile of metal tubes and use fire to stick them together into a thing that opens up a person’s world… just:


It Looked Good For 1/250th Of A Second.


Sometimes a “totally radicle picture” does not mean you’re turning all that well:


Because even if you’re one of the best bike riders of all time, you can still end up looking like you’re staring straight at the ground and popping out a kick-stand after plowing into a loose corner too fast while dodging a photographer sticking a lens up in your business. (And getting a sweet shot of your helmet cam. Barf.)

YouremaybegunnamakeitBecause sometimes, you’re going to make a miraculous save on a big, fast, open flat turn in the grass but that doesn’t mean you’re going to hold any of your exit speed and win the race.

Because while it certainly takes a lot of bike riding skill just to end up in those positions, doesn’t mean it’s the fastest way to ride a corner.

Because sometimes, if those super dope cornering pictures could move, you wouldn’t be that pumped on the results:


Not everyone can be Sam Hill riding Schladming with cut spikes all the time, looking so stinking dope while simultaneously winning.


Day 4 Of Ten Thousand.


Yeah, of course a clipped in, big wheeled bike was going to win. Was there ever any doubt that on a pedaling track with no tight turns that anything else would come out on top?


I’m not sure who pays their bills by “keeping it real” in mountain biking. Last time I checked, you’re pretty much paid to win and sell bikes. No one gets sponsored for the purpose of shitting on their chances at doing well at a race by running flat pedals or tiny, obsolete 26″ wheels, or whatever other thing people on the internet think is acceptable and cool, because it’s what they grew up with and they fear change.

So while it may be a bummer to see a complete lack of Flat Pedal Thunder at Sea Otter, guess what- there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

Seriously. There were no clouds. The sun turned everyone into beef jerky.

While it’s fine for has-beens/never-was-es like the staff at TrivialMTB to tell themselves that they are “keeping it real” by running flat pedals and so on, no one buying product gives a shit what I run and they never will.

Congrats to Gwin and Jill for killing it and congrats to everyone else for showing up, because sometimes, that’s the hardest thing to do.

Day 3 Of Ten Thousand.



Fairclough may be riding clips on his downhill bike but at least Graves is still winning stuff at Sea Otter. You can all rest a little easier tonight knowing that your entire world isn’t made of lies.

In other news, the sun is made out of skin cancer, and those two dudes shooting photos for Pinkbike have three photoshop tricks up their sleeves that are playing on repeat. Guess if you put enough filtering on top of a photo, it’s hard to notice sloppy composition.



Contrast slider goes up to 11.



High pass filter goes up to 11.




This goes to all photographers: If that’s Victor Lucas taking up the right 20% of your frame then just keep walking because he’s shut that spot down. And if it’s not Victor then step up in front of that chotch and get your 8 foot hip jump shot without a nuclear white shirt in your way. Or just don’t bother shooting that stupid hip since it only gets worse every year and we already have a solid decade of coverage on that piece of shit. You would be better off shooting the turn onto the road since that’s where half the crashes on the downhill track are going to be.