TrivialMTB

Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: February, 2014

Dee Vee Oh No You Diii-in’t.

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Glad to see they are putting their money into product testing instead of frivolous shit like fancy haircuts.

DVOHIAUGHTTA

 

Gotta have priorities when you’re the new brand looking to gain traction in the market. I just hope there’s more vague testing videos in the pipeline too.

 

Sharknado.

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None of my friends have tried ten different saddles in the search for something that doesn’t annihilate their root. None of my friends have ever complained that they are rocking side to side on their saddle. None of my friends have ever commented on how twisted up they are while sitting on their bike seat.

http://www.bikebiz.com/news/read/introducing-the-essax-shark-saddle/016055

PSTATEGOHERE

 

That’s right, all two of my friends have never had those issues.

But I can’t wait to get my hot crossed buns on the Essax Shart Saddle so I can show up to rides and proclaim to the world, “I got my garmin on my stem, shaved my arms this morning, had a fresh brew of fair trade coffee, got a fresh tampon in my pussy, and I’m ready to floss my anus for a hundred miles. Booyah. Let’s go!”

Fanny Fudge Packing.

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Specialized gets some credit for trying zany things that most people consider useless, but a few people out there will think is genius.

SWAT may be the hidden gem for the rare demographic out there that just hates backpacks. I’ve only met a few of these people in my time but they are a staunch crowd. I once saw a guy curb stomp his riding buddy’s camelbak at a trailhead. Another time this guy burned a cross in the front lawn of Osprey and told them their kind wasn’t welcome ’round these parts. We’re talking backwards ass bigoted hate.

For the rest of us, the SWAT system is a great way to look like you have a very poorly treated case of scoliosis or lower back hunch, to drink hot water from a sweaty nozzle, and allows you to crash on a bunch of hard tools.

swatA2

You know what else accomplishes this?

SpecializedSWAT

 

At least there will be another 100% effective birth control method on the trails soon, as if being a dude who rides mountain bikes in a real serious way wasn’t already vagina repellant enough.

Disposable Bike.

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This guy may have the unofficial world record for largest trials drop to flat, but the real achievement here is his unofficial world record for biggest trust fall ever taken for the leap of faith he had in his bike to not shatter into a thousand pieces.

Basically, I’d throw that bike in the trash after that silly shit. Pedal axels, cranks, bb spindle, steerer tube, handlebars… all of those things would be stuff I’d never ride again after such an attempt.

 

Balls Deep.

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A prime example of going full-retard:

feelinggoodlewis

By the way, GoPro is set up for an IPO so you should expect that kind of kit pictured above to appear in the future in a non-ironic context soon. I’d buy stock if I wanted to shake dicks with the devil and put my kids through college.

It looks 99% as whack when you have a single GoPro hood ornament on your head, so you might as well go for the full dual-3D, 4-part-4K get up.

The Name.

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This guy has probably been given shit his whole life for his name but we’re just going to give him shit for helping sell products that make you look like a tool:tpsdildo

Flat Pedal Flatulence.

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You know back in elementary school when you would have this friend for the school year and then they would go away for the summer, then come back in the fall and they were different, and you had a hard time with it because all you could think was, “Who are you? You’ve changed. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”

sadtromboneFirst an “enduro” stem and now this?

Sigh.

Whatever… I guess now I finally will have some acceptable pedals to put on my road bike.

Urban Death Wish.

TrivialMTBLogoHave said it before and will continue to say it: urban downhill races are a race to the grave.

I’ll take sliding and grinding on rocks and gravel any day over splattering on the god damn concrete.

Fish In A Barrel.

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Some people, good grief:

letmeexplainyouathing

 

How do you going explain a grammar if they’re isn’t no god.

Puke-Barf-Gross-Yuck.

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Some things are just not good looking. Like Clint Howard for example:

hnyaaah

clintmugBut he embraced his less than conventional looks and made an entire career out of character acting. We commend that.

Other things, however, not only look terrible, but also don’t work. Like an Ellsworth bike. Any Ellsworth really. But then you go and do something like make an Ellsworth into a tandem and that’s just kicking it while its down.

Trivial was tipped off to this with the cue: “Please shit all over this” but we’re afraid that literally shitting all over this bike would greatly improve the whole product.

Just look at this thing.

shitfuck1

Now take a second to get your dry heaves under control.

Shitfuck2

Don’t forget to charge up your drivetrain.

Shitfuck3

Ugh.

Okay.

So Calfee used to make stuff like quirky road bikes made out of panda food and that was sort of the Clint Howard, embrace your weirdness, make it work for you type thing that was just fine.

calfeenfree

And that was fine because it was just a novelty and anyone who purchased one was just trying to stick out in a sea of carbon road stuff. Okay, whatever.

But collaborating with Ellsworth to make a tandem mountain bike is a deal with the devil.

For one thing, the stems. The back rider’s stem has to be adjustable and long so that you’re not just tossing your riding mate’s salad the whole way down a trail, sure. But how long do you reckon that dropper post is going to last with a stem clamped to it? I’m guessing even shorter than the blink of an eye they normally last. And that front stem has geometry right out of the early 90s. What stupid asshole is riding a 130mm stem in 2014? Oh, the kind of asshole who thinks an Ellsworth tandem is a good purchase. You’re probably not riding this thing super agro and maybe you don’t need an enduro specific stem (ie- any 50mm stem) but that thing is ridiculous. It’s as if Calfee got design advice from a company that doesn’t know dick about mountain bikes. Don’t worry, if you want to swap it out, you can throw the bars in the trash too since they are all one big molded together bad idea.

“Di2? Sure, it will help us hit a price point that will weed out anyone who would ever know their asshole from a hole in the ground from ever riding this thing.”

But the spew doesn’t stop at the imagery. It keeps going long and strong into the night with the copy sent out about the bike- also worth noting that the link for further information they provided is totally not work safe and if you haven’t seen it, welcome to the internet:

RAMONA, CA — February 7, 2014 — World renowned for artful custom tandems that are peerless in performance and quality, Calfee Design says the new “Witness” Fully Active Full Suspension Off-Road tandem frame will fit the team, be very light, absorb shock, but it will handle crisply afforded by lateral stiffness and refined synergistic Full Suspension Geometry derived from Ellsworth Handcrafted Bicycles’ 25 years of MTB Geometry experience. Calfee’s hand built in the USA Carbon front end mated to Ellsworth’s Energy Efficient ICT Fully Active Rear End delivers undiminished applied pedal power to the drive train. Calfee custom builds this beauty to resists corrosion, the elements and fatigue, and be durable and strong enough to stand up to unexpected impacts and torsion forces. The Calfee-Ellsworth ICT Witness custom tandem frame leverages the intrinsic attributes of the carbon fiber material and Ellsworth’s proven Energy Efficient, Fully Active ICT Suspension to redefine and expand your tandem experiences. The Calfee-Ellsworth Witness is available as a 27.5”  — MSRP $8,295 — and ordered as a custom-build 29” for a $500 up-charge. For more information visit: http://www.lemonparty.org
If we Capitalize a few Things Here And There it will Sound Proprietary and make people think that terms like “Energy Efficient” are things that Ellsworth has Patented, which god knows he probably Has Tried To Patent.
Ellsworth also has 25 years of MTB Geometry experience? True. And they Haven’t Changed That Geometry in 25 years either. Their bikes still ride like the Swinging In The Dark bikes of 15 years ago. 130mm Stems All Around!
Here are some examples of tandems that I would rather ride than that Calfworth.
DoublePenny
Double Penny with super shallow Baby Tray.
asstoass
Requiem For A Dream’s Ass To Ass Cycle
loneliestcycle
Or just any old tandem by myself.

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