TrivialMTB

Pretty much hate mountain biking.

Month: September, 2014

Rampage Announcers.

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Way to go.

goodjobyouidiots

 

Red Bull sure spent a lot of money putting on an event the size of Rampage between the whole production, event crew, permits, marketing, media coverage, and insurance just to have a couple of grade F dildos announce the event.

I know Cam McCaul is a Rockstar athlete but he’s also free riding mountain biking’s golden retriever and he would have known something interesting about all the riders, the tricks they were going for, and their achievements outside of their list of injuries.

Nikoli Rogatkin would have at least had an interesting perspective to share from the announcer’s mic having only ridden squishy bikes a few times prior to coming to the event. And squid-lid or not, that dude sounds about 600% more articulate in interviews than most of the other mouth breathing simpletons riding in any branch of our sport.

For that matter, any two fans on the hillside would probably have also made for better announcers.

Next time you go Rampaging, Red Bull, remember that audio matters. You can’t just blow your budget wad all on Freeride Entertainment’s 4k Phantom footage.

People Are Different. (?!)

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The other day, I was riding down the bike path when I saw, up in the distance, some youths carrying a couch with a pile of laundry on it and laughing their asses off. I thought, “That’s odd. I wonder why those ragamuffins are porting that couch about town in this dreadful heat, and why ever are they so happy about it?”

Then as I got closer, I could see that it was not a pile of laundry perched on the couch they were carrying, but it was actually a hispanic dwarf wearing a relatively  even more oversized than normal sombrero. And all three of them were having a grand time- or excuse me, a gran tiempo perhaps. All of them spotted my reaction at the same time as I rode past this scene:

ilookedlikegeorgeclooney

 

It was one of those moments in life where I fully expected a hidden camera crew to spring forth from the bushes and capture my befuddlement. But that never happens when you see some really wackadoo shit, does it? The reality was that I just continued to ride my bike to the grocery store, because I was all out of bananas, and the universe never granted me the answer of why those teenagers were carrying around a dwarf in a sombrero on a couch, as if he were some little Roman emperor, sweating their giggling asses off the whole time.

They appeared happier than I can recall ever being as an adult myself, so something must be working for them.

All of this is to say that Brian Lopes could possibly be a narrow minded fool.

getfucked

Maybe other people have different priorities in life and they might not match up to yours. Maybe not everyone wants to have a Sprinter that takes up multiple parking spaces everywhere they go, not everyone wants to own a tortoise for a pet, and maybe not everyone wants to live your life, Mr. Lopes.

If all I had in life was a guitar, some sweet tattoos I was pumped on, and a dog to keep me company, I’d probably be content. That’s not to say I’d be without problems. But at least I wouldn’t be worried about who spray painted my turtle while abbreviating the word “be” down to “B”… stay fast, stay relevant, trim the fat… right, Bri?

Or maybe I’m just reading this wrong and there’s actually not a hint of sarcasm in that tweet and he really is stating that living a simple life is great. Perhaps he’s genuinely asking how these people go about the process.

R U curious?

Extremes.

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Sometimes in cycling, I’ll see a thing like this:

 

areyoukidding

And I’ll think that it’s for sure some kind of joke and it’s just a really nice computer render. But then it never is. It’s a real thing.

http://blog.brooksengland.com/wps/a-relaxing-randonneur/

It’s great that someone is a skilled craftsman and is capable of making a thing like that, but then actually going and making a thing like that is a different beast. I can’t help but think of this excellent short with David Rees when a custom randonneur rocking chair comes across my radar.

You can sit in any old chair. Hell, you can even sit on the ground. But then some people out there are taking chairs to a whole new frivolous level that you never even thought about.

Look. That chair doesn’t have to justify itself to me. It’s arguably “art” and art doesn’t have to justify its existence.

But I will say that when my mind gets blown by that kind of, frankly, trivial type of shit, I’m glad that people like Sanjay are out there maintaining the balance in the universe and blowing my mind in the opposite direction:

Riding a little scooter and dragging your bike and hiking the globe for years is pretty much the opposite of sitting in a really expensive cycling themed rocking chair. I guess they both have their merits? I’ll certainly be rooting for one over the other.

Sanjay rules.

Still Taking A Nap.

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First, I’m glad Bryn got himself a paycheck. I also hope it doesn’t bounce.

I’m sure it was fun and I’m sure getting loose on a wide open track while trying to protect your lines and fend off a bunch of other racers was a hoot. But that track offered basically nothing for alternative lines and passing was limited to a few opportunities in balled up corners. The same thing could have been achieved by running racers every 6 seconds out of the start gate instead of every 30.

This race format has potential to be pretty killer but will only reach for that potential on a track that took more than half an hour to “build” … looking forward to that future event.

 

Boring Me To Death.

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Well this whole ten man, one downhill track concept for racing would be sweet if they included both parts. They barely got ten men, now they just need a downhill track.

Maybe they tried to follow the Mt Snow school of thought on track designs by just weed whacking the grass and putting up tape 15-25 feet wide? Well that works when you’re at Mt Snow, and you beat the piss out of the lines with hundreds of riders for several days. In fact, that makes for some of the best downhill racing money can buy. But where that doesn’t work is whatever anthill these guys are on and by adding “jumps” that are just wedges to nothing.

Watching this made me fall into a deep, lush sleep. The kind of sleep you normally only get from having surgery.

Here’s the scene from the sidelines at the race:

homerglasses

 

Walk Walk Fashion Baby.

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Most people don’t know this, but Howard The Duck was a huge smash hit in South Africa so it makes sense that Leatt would buy the mold used for Howard’s bill at auction and implement it as the visor form for their new full face helmet that got everything right except the looks.

atleastit'snotyellow

howardelpato

In other news, wow TLD:

sweetleopardjesusIf those are a real part of next year’s line then I’m impressed.

 

Interpuke.

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Here’s a little bit of shit from Interbike. That’s a redundant sentence and they teach you not to do that in journalism school. Probably. I would’t know. I’m a (tiny) part of the mountain bike “media” so what would I know about proper reporting, right? Point is, pretty much everything about Interbike is shit.

This view right here:

interbarf20141

Is why the Colorado River looks like shit before it even gets to Mexico:

dry-delta

Fuck Las Vegas.

Check out this free press that we’re giving away to Ellsworth. Outside Magazine and Ellsworth’s bike designs were seen hanging out back in 2006, giving each other woefully behind the times dry tug jobs at a skeleton party while talking about how great high school was.

interpuke20142

Ye Olde Timey Magazine gave shout outs that year to Eli Whitney for his new fangled cotton gin and also dismissed domestic electricity as a novelty fad that will never catch on. Nostradamus was a guest editor for Popular Science in 2007 which is exactly why you are seeing everyone on an Ellsworth Ride instead of behind the wheel of a car or riding a more practical bicycle like maybe a citibike.

And this company really showed their ass to the public with their line of soon to be broken phone contraptions.

interpuke20143

Most companies try to bring out the goods for an industry’s flagship trade show but not these guys. A-Game is not in their vocabulary.

Mount the bike driveside inward on the stand.

Get a beat up single pivot, aluminum Santa Cruz with era-acurate parts because a new loaner bike would make it look like you started preparing for your booth before yesterday. At least the last decent set of brakes Avid made was well preserved on this bike they found on Craigslist for $600. The budget didn’t include a wet rag to wipe it down for the show though.

Make sure the safety platform in still clipped into the pedals because you never know who’s going to want to test ride your rig. There’s probably plenty of open isle space in the way back corner of the venue for people to get some speed going.

And make sure to mount the vanity cam along side the forward facing one that is pointed at the sky because everyone loves watching those angles. Make sure to make a product that no one will ever use because mounting a camera to a handlebar virtually ensures a useless video full of overcorrecting steering, and shaking camera that would make even JJ Abrams sick to his stomach.

This soft turd of a company is so dead it’s not even worth mentioning their name.

Maybe there will be more hate from Vegas soon. Until then, go for the worst ride of your life and still have a better time than 30 minutes spent in Vegas.

 

Handlebars Of Tomorrow!

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Some guy I’ve never heard of did a flip thing that I’ve never heard of and it was allegedly a big deal. So I watched the video:

And I found it odd that he runs the same bar set up on his dirt jump contest bike as a 65 year old man runs on his bike path crusher from Performance:

suchflipz

 

Oh, except when he’s holding the bike over his head in triumph.

I get it. It’s hard to do that trick and you need the bar ends with the jizz rags wrapped around them to do it. Congrats on doing a thing. I’d still rather watch Chase do a plain old, down home cookin’ 360 over any jump than all of that other spastic contest shit. Remember that time Mike Aitkin won that Dew Tour dirt contest without  flipping once? Ah, the good old days of 2008.

Here’s another example of handlebars being made to look silly in the name of progress:

That spot looks familiar because you’ve seen Chris Akrigg ride a bicycle there. Now you’ve seen a pogo stick with upside down and inside out handlebars ride there, too. The size and technical difficulty of what that dude is doing probably doesn’t come across on video all that well. What is clear is how entertaining Akrigg has made that spot look for a decade and how I yawned so hard a minute into this video that I hurt my jaw.

 

Anti-Pedaling.

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Trivial firmly suspects that Neko’s finals run was a protest against wimpy tracks that require you pedaling your balls off to have a shot at a respectable run.

And if it wasn’t some kind of silent protest, then maybe it was just one of the best downhill runs of the last ten years and proof that Neko is bananas talented.

Ellsworth-something-apparently.

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Just heard about Ellsworth being purchased by some company called BST Synergy Nano. It boggles my mind that anyone would buy one Ellsworth bike, so to hear that someone would come along and buy all of them made my head explode with does-not-compute.

They said they plan to launch a new components line and revamp the bike line.

Trivial MTB has acquired some exclusive behind the scenes footage of just what the process of revamping Ellsworth’s bikes would take:

thisshitisworthless

Maybe things will get done faster under new management and employees can focus on building bikes not stuck in the 90s when they aren’t required to sit down when they pee at the company offices any more?

Further investigation has shown that their first component will be a set of carbon bars that weigh about 125 grams, 730mm wide, and will come in 6mm and 15mm rise… so basically super expensive, super light, super low, skinny ass bars for people who suck at riding bikes… i.e. the entire existing Ellsworth community  base. Know your customer, right guys?

Best of luck to BST Synergy Nano in their sisyphusian struggle ahead to get those bikes rideable by mid-20-teens status.

By the way, your name sounds like a 30 Rock joke. BST Synergy Nano: setting a new standard inupward revenue-stream dynamics.