Bad All Around.

by trivialmtb



It’s hard for me to believe that the new owners of the Elssworth brand name were able to do the kind of work necessary to revamp that line up of bikes in just a couple short months. Mainly handling the throwing out of the baby, bathwater, and entire bathroom for a remodel, then moving to a better neighborhood in a part of town not overrun by cult members. But staying true to the roots of the company, it looks like what they have done is put some Bold New Graphics on the bikes, made room for a slightly bigger wheel by making the chaintstays a mile long, and then called it a day.

See for example the Dare:


BST Synergy Nano: Product integration – setting a new standard in upward revenue-stream dynamics… for all of us. By means of putting red stickers on the rims, perhaps the sky-high bb and three feet of un-wrangled cable between the top tube and seat-stay would go unnoticed. How low do you think you could run that seatpost before the rear wheel slammajams into the saddle during a g-out and spits your dumb ass over the bars? Perhaps that’s why it’s pictured slammed forward on the rails? Do you think they took the time to update the suspension curve from the era in which Jib 2 was filmed? I have doubts.

Maybe you don’t need a full on dh bike. Well, you’re in luck. The Method:


Method actors are notoriously pain in the ass types that are difficult to work with in any roll, and this model looks to be no different. While a method actor may not break character during lunch and only answer to their scripted name, that does’t make them an actual cop or whatever the crappy movie is about.

And perhaps you just need an enduro bike for maximum enduro-ing. Enter the trend of the Moment:


I just knew, from the Moment I saw this bike, that not even a frost in hell would get me on board one of these. By the way, have you noticed that Ellsworth totally outed the long rumored and never asked for Fox 40 single crown fork on these last two models? Yes, it’s that kind of attention to detail that really brings home the confidence that BST Syngery Nano has got what it takes to carry the Ellsworth torch in little circles.

Have you also noticed that all three frames look to be the same damn thing? Could it be that carbon molds are really expensive and that by simple swapping of shorter shocks, the company was able to squeeze three bike models out of one set of frame molds? If so, what a design revolution! One suspension curve can surely cover the span of needs from a 160mm trail bike, to a 180mm park bike, to a 200mm downhill race bike just so long as you put 100% of the performance expectations on the shock to fill in the gaping voids of that logic.

Perhaps we’ve been wrong all along and within two years, the rest of the cycling industry will see that you can indeed run the same damn frame from a Demo all the way down to a Stumpjumper Evo, a Glory sharing the slender body of a Trance, and a Session with simply a color and shock change from a Remedy. You just need to sucker your customers into buying a $3800 frame and then a few extra shocks and you’ll have the holy grail of a true quiver killer. The future.

Or perhaps Ellsworth bikes are, and will continue to be, Worthless.