Thar She Blows.

by trivialmtb

TrivialMTBLogo

Here we go. A 29er specific saddle.

fizik-thar-she-blowsFrom the great minds at Fizik comes a saddle specifically designed for a 29er. According to their extensive research, 29ers sit farther back on their saddles. This extensive research couldn’t be turned up by our equally extensive searching. Guess it included such tactics as looking across the cubical and saying, “Hey, Bill. You ride a 29er right? Do you ride up on the nose if your saddle? No? Alright.” And then marking a notch in the “rides farther back” column.

Their extensive research did stumble ass backwards into proving with solid math what we have known empirically all along- 29ers typically are indeed off the back. Which is to say, off the back of the pack. Which is to say most 29er riders suck at riding bikes and are slow.

No one rides on the nose of their saddle all the time because it’s a stupid idea. You don’t need to be on any particular wheel size to know this. You just need a taint and to sit it on the nose of any saddle for three gooch numbing minutes.

What the press release for this saddle should have read was “Fizik releases yet another dumbass saddle that you won’t buy.”

Because seriously, have you ever seen anyone riding a fizik saddle? Maybe you saw one that was oem spec’ed on a bike one time like 8 years ago, but have you ever seen anyone out on the trails riding a fizik saddle? I sure haven’t.

In related news, here are some free, up-for-grabs product ideas that any other marginalized company is welcome to take and run with for the sake of giving their marketing employee something to do. Included is the extensively researched justification for each idea’s existence to get the ball rolling.

-650b specific grips. Studies show that 650b riders will grab onto anything marketed at them.

-24″ bmx crusier specific headsets. Research indicates that old farts may have expendable income for their toys.

-26″ specific tire levers. Experts recommend that you use the proper tools of the trade for archeological digs so as not to damage the 26″ artifacts known to have existed in the mountain bike world as far back as last year.

-27.5 optimized hydration packs. Doctors have observed that people who say “27.5” over “650b” sip their water with their nose turned slightly upward and a new nozzle design will help prevent accidental nasal flushing.

-700c specific chewing tobacco. Recently compiled studies show that spitting while riding a road bike is fucking disgusting and risky for anyone not in the front of a charge. Spray proof chew-spit could vastly improve morale of the peloton and make the fight for 38th place more spectator friendly.

-Women’s specific racing tampons. Common sense reveals that only menstruating women need these, so maybe you save some marketing budget by cutting the ads targeting these at guys, who knows.