Puke-Barf-Gross-Yuck.

by trivialmtb

TrivialMTBLogo

Some things are just not good looking. Like Clint Howard for example:

hnyaaah

clintmugBut he embraced his less than conventional looks and made an entire career out of character acting. We commend that.

Other things, however, not only look terrible, but also don’t work. Like an Ellsworth bike. Any Ellsworth really. But then you go and do something like make an Ellsworth into a tandem and that’s just kicking it while its down.

Trivial was tipped off to this with the cue: “Please shit all over this” but we’re afraid that literally shitting all over this bike would greatly improve the whole product.

Just look at this thing.

shitfuck1

Now take a second to get your dry heaves under control.

Shitfuck2

Don’t forget to charge up your drivetrain.

Shitfuck3

Ugh.

Okay.

So Calfee used to make stuff like quirky road bikes made out of panda food and that was sort of the Clint Howard, embrace your weirdness, make it work for you type thing that was just fine.

calfeenfree

And that was fine because it was just a novelty and anyone who purchased one was just trying to stick out in a sea of carbon road stuff. Okay, whatever.

But collaborating with Ellsworth to make a tandem mountain bike is a deal with the devil.

For one thing, the stems. The back rider’s stem has to be adjustable and long so that you’re not just tossing your riding mate’s salad the whole way down a trail, sure. But how long do you reckon that dropper post is going to last with a stem clamped to it? I’m guessing even shorter than the blink of an eye they normally last. And that front stem has geometry right out of the early 90s. What stupid asshole is riding a 130mm stem in 2014? Oh, the kind of asshole who thinks an Ellsworth tandem is a good purchase. You’re probably not riding this thing super agro and maybe you don’t need an enduro specific stem (ie- any 50mm stem) but that thing is ridiculous. It’s as if Calfee got design advice from a company that doesn’t know dick about mountain bikes. Don’t worry, if you want to swap it out, you can throw the bars in the trash too since they are all one big molded together bad idea.

“Di2? Sure, it will help us hit a price point that will weed out anyone who would ever know their asshole from a hole in the ground from ever riding this thing.”

But the spew doesn’t stop at the imagery. It keeps going long and strong into the night with the copy sent out about the bike- also worth noting that the link for further information they provided is totally not work safe and if you haven’t seen it, welcome to the internet:

RAMONA, CA — February 7, 2014 — World renowned for artful custom tandems that are peerless in performance and quality, Calfee Design says the new “Witness” Fully Active Full Suspension Off-Road tandem frame will fit the team, be very light, absorb shock, but it will handle crisply afforded by lateral stiffness and refined synergistic Full Suspension Geometry derived from Ellsworth Handcrafted Bicycles’ 25 years of MTB Geometry experience. Calfee’s hand built in the USA Carbon front end mated to Ellsworth’s Energy Efficient ICT Fully Active Rear End delivers undiminished applied pedal power to the drive train. Calfee custom builds this beauty to resists corrosion, the elements and fatigue, and be durable and strong enough to stand up to unexpected impacts and torsion forces. The Calfee-Ellsworth ICT Witness custom tandem frame leverages the intrinsic attributes of the carbon fiber material and Ellsworth’s proven Energy Efficient, Fully Active ICT Suspension to redefine and expand your tandem experiences. The Calfee-Ellsworth Witness is available as a 27.5”  — MSRP $8,295 — and ordered as a custom-build 29” for a $500 up-charge. For more information visit: http://www.lemonparty.org
If we Capitalize a few Things Here And There it will Sound Proprietary and make people think that terms like “Energy Efficient” are things that Ellsworth has Patented, which god knows he probably Has Tried To Patent.
Ellsworth also has 25 years of MTB Geometry experience? True. And they Haven’t Changed That Geometry in 25 years either. Their bikes still ride like the Swinging In The Dark bikes of 15 years ago. 130mm Stems All Around!
Here are some examples of tandems that I would rather ride than that Calfworth.
DoublePenny
Double Penny with super shallow Baby Tray.
asstoass
Requiem For A Dream’s Ass To Ass Cycle
loneliestcycle
Or just any old tandem by myself.

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